Newborn Class: Baby Daddy Perspective

OK, there were so many strange and funny things that happened during this class that I felt I needed to chime in.


Kara touched on the quirky, opinionated teacher a bit, but she didn't mention the real star of the class. For you fans of "The Office", think Steve Carell's character Michael Scott. If you don't know that show, think of someone who makes awkward, uncomfortable jokes at inopportune times. Here are his greatest hits:


#1:The teacher showed a video of a baby's diaper being changed, and at the precise moment when the poop was revealed, the guy blurted out, "SURPRISE!!!". It was as quiet as a library for 10 seconds, then he got a few courtesy chuckles from the people who were too overwhelmed by the uncomfortable silence. Our classmates were looking around with puzzled looks on their faces, as if to say, "What did you expect to find down there?".


#2: The teacher asked for alternate ways to feed the baby. "HOW ABOUT A FUNNEL?" yells the guy at a volume that would suggest he just finished funneling a 12-pack prior to class. This was met with a few laughs, but these were definitely of the "laughing at you" variety.


At the same time we were laughing at him, I think the entire class started to root for this guy. When we did an exercise with dolls to practice changing diapers, this guy was holding his doll by the ankle, twirling it in circles. When he wasn't twirling it, he was tossing it in the air. He probably put the baby's diaper on its head, but i was too busy feeling inadequate because the guy next to me changed his doll's diaper and put it in a perfect swaddle and in about 2.3 seconds. I was fumbling around as if i had oversized mittens on my hands, and I was convinced at this point i was totally unfit to be a father. At least i wasn't twirling my baby doll in circles.

#3:During one segment of the class when we went over cleaning the baby when changing its diaper, the teacher advised us to be sure to wipe girls from front to back to avoid urinary tract infections. Sure enough, that guy asks, "Is that true for guys too? Because i have a buddy who does that and we all make fun of him."

#4: At the end of the class, the teacher popped in a video of a baby boy being circumcised. Before she hit the play button, the entire room is focused on this guy, wondering how long he can contain himself with such obvious comedic material in front of him. No attention was being paid to the video. I stopped counting the number of times the teacher said, "Believe you me", or "gist" or used the term "literally" when she really meant "figuratively".


Another dad-to-be began to ask a question that turned out to be a valid question about the pros and cons of circumcision. He began by asking, "Why would you want to have your boy circumcised..." and the jokester interrupts, "I'M WITH YOU, BROTHER!!!". The other guy looked stunned for a few seconds. Everyone laughed, then looked around the room nodding their heads as if to say, "I KNEW he would say that".


Even the teacher laughed, but I don't think she got the joke. I believe she thought this guy was as opposed to circumcision as she was, and everyone in the class was laughing at those silly people who circumcise their babies and read and write evil "agenda books".


So that's my read on the situation. I have to go practice swaddling.